


A Little Too Broken

by albinococonut23



Category: Arashi (Band), Maou
Genre: Angst, Canon - Japanese Drama, M/M, Series Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-26
Updated: 2014-07-26
Packaged: 2018-02-10 11:25:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2023353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/albinococonut23/pseuds/albinococonut23
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Serizawa Naoto has never been particularly rational, particularly with regards to a certain lawyer. He may be making the situation worse, but what's the difference if they can't be fixed anyway?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We’re give and take, but mostly take. You shiver like you’ll shatter as I reach for you, and sometimes I want to squeeze until you snap.

****  
  
“What do you want me to do, Serizawa?” Naruse said slowly, and Naoto couldn’t tell if the question was taunting him or daring him. “What do you think would solve this?”  
  
“Kill me.” He said earnestly, meaning the request. He was sick of the people he cared about being hurt because of him. He wanted the cycle to end, and his own death would be a much more welcome price than the loss of any _more_ lives.  
  
The lawyer smirked coolly. “I can’t.” He said, and the detective wondered why he wouldn’t finish that sentence. ‘Yet’, he was sure, was how it was meant to end… wasn’t it? Naruse was still watching his frustrated expression, calmly waiting for his response. It was infuriating.  
  
“… Then kiss me.” The words were out of his mouth before he could take them back, and he found that he hardly felt he even wanted to. It was only his rational side that said stop, that this was wrong, that he shouldn’t want this, and Serizawa Naoto had never been a rational person. Always, he jumped into things without considering reason or consequence. He let his emotions and passion for things guide him, and this case was no exception.  
  
He’d be lying to himself if he denied some sort of attraction to the lawyer. Since they met, running into each other all the time –meetings he now realized were probably not nearly as strangely coincidental as he’d thought—, he’d felt some sort of magnetic pull towards Naruse Ryou. Perhaps because their pasts or maybe even destinies were so closely related and intertwined… He’d been thinking so much more of fate and those things lately, they were topics he hadn’t believed in before but Shiori’s guidance in the case had been affecting his thoughts more than he outwardly realized.  
  
Many times over the last few months he had woken, clothes and sheets sticking to him with sweat, the lawyer’s cold gaze seeming to burn his skin with a piercing stare even after he’d left the dream. It was twisted now that he knew Naruse’s real identity, he supposed, to still feel that churning in the pit of his stomach when their gazes met… but he couldn’t stop it. It was sick, but he couldn’t stop now that he’d started… no matter _what_ his rational side said.  
  
To his pleasure, Naruse Ryou broke his cool exterior long enough to take a half step back and look genuinely surprised by the request. He opened his mouth, closed it, and then opened it again as though he couldn’t decide what to respond with. Small creases formed between his brows as he frowned. “…What?” He went with at length, perhaps thinking he’d heard wrong.  
  
“Kiss me, Naruse-san…” The fact that they were in a quiet hall of the police station didn’t seem to matter at that point; he didn’t care if someone could potentially round the corner and see them. Most people had actually gone home already anyhow, so Naoto repeated his request, unable to keep himself from trembling under the lawyer’s stern and searching gaze.  
  
He saw something flash in Naruse’s eyes at the name, as though he’d been expecting to be called Manaka Tomo or Amano Makoto instead, but Naoto couldn’t do that. To him those names held either remorse and pity or hate. It was the lawyer, Naruse Ryou, and only him that he would make this request to. Any other name would be wrong.  
  
Naruse’s gaze hardened, he stepped close enough that there was only an inch or two between their bodies, and Naoto could feel the heat radiating through the lawyer’s clothes. “Do you think that will fix things?”  
  
“…No.” He answered truthfully, not breaking eye contact for an instant.  
  
And Naruse kissed him.  
  
Naoto had half expected it to be violent, full of the desperate pain he felt and wanted Serizawa to share, but he was wrong. Naruse’s lips were cool and they pressed gently against his, brushing Naoto’s chapped ones and leaving feather-light kisses at each of the corners. His kisses were tentative, full of uncertainty and wavering emotion, like the fluttering of a frail bird’s wings. Naoto stayed perfectly still, like he’d been paralyzed. The lawyer’s fingertips pressed gingerly into his forearm and used more pressure when Naruse paused to exhale shakily. There was something so beautifully fragile and heartbreaking about the scene that Naoto felt his chest tighten painfully. His eyes burned, and he had to blink back tears as he swallowed the stinging lump in his throat.  
  
Naruse noticed, settling back on his heels and staring distantly down through his lashes in the vague direction of the detective’s collarbones. “What else?” He said quietly, voice somewhat raw.  
  
“What?” Naoto blinked again, swallowing thickly in an attempt to calm himself. The lawyer looked physically pained.  
  
“What else do you want to take from me?” He elaborated. His fingernails bit lightly into the skin of the detective’s arm and he forced an expression of calm on face before continuing. “I don’t have much left.”  
  
“…I’m sorry.”  
  
“That was, actually, my first kiss.”  
  
“I’m so sorry, Naruse-san…” Naoto’s voice cracked, tears welling in his vision as he sunk to his knees, forcing the lawyer to release him and leave crescent-shaped dents in his skin.  
  
“When you took away my family and my future, I gave up on those kinds of firsts… but now you’ve taken that too.” He continued solemnly, quietly.  
  
“Please,” Naoto begged, head bowed and fists clenching the pressed black fabric of the lawyer’s pants. “Please forgive me! I was young then, I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. It was an accident, Naruse-san, I was just a kid!”  
  
“So was I.” The lawyer murmured, and his words tore a soft sob from the detective’s throat. “I didn’t know what I was doing… but it’s too late now. I can’t stop this anymore…”  
  
“Please…”  
  
“I only wish you were more thorough, Serizawa.” His voice had risen, almost back to a normal level now. “Take everything.” He crouched, reaching out and closing the detective’s hand firmly around something cool and metal. “Leave me with nothing; nothing pure. I don’t want anything left to lose.”  
  
Naoto lifted his head slowly, cheeks wet with tears, and he felt a stab of pain in his chest at the surprising vulnerability in the lawyer’s eyes, though Naruse’s expression was otherwise as cold and serious as ever. “Do you-… Do you really think that will fix things?” He asked shakily, repeating the question Naruse had asked him earlier.  
  
Naruse Ryou paused, and then the faintest of smiles turned the corners of his lips. “…No.” He answered quietly, dropping his gaze and then standing slowly and gracefully. “… We’re a little too broken for repair, Serizawa.”  
  
Naruse’s shoes tapped familiarly as they echoed down the hall, fading away into nothing, and Serizawa Naoto got to his feet on legs that seemed much weaker now than they had earlier. He stared at the silver house key in his palm as he leaned against the wall to catch his breath and control himself.  
  
They were really hopeless. It was so unfair, and yet he also could see no end to it. It was almost like the cycle of hurt and revenge was out of both of their control. He hated it, but he too couldn’t stop what he’d started. Not anymore. His rational side told him to stay away. He was already so involved, he’d already done so much, and it would be bad to get himself in deeper.  
  
But the lawyer’s address wasn’t hard to find, and Serizawa Naoto had never been a rational person.  
  
\- - -  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Take my hand while we tremble uncertainly, and stain my fingers red with the sins of what I’ve made you.

  
  
Naruse was waiting for him when he let himself in, sitting somberly on the couch in his bleak and modern living room. He looked up when Naoto entered, betraying neither surprise nor satisfaction in his expression.  
  
They wasted no time on pleasantries. If they had they wouldn’t have gotten anywhere, and both of them knew that.  
  
Naruse stood slowly, peeled off his jacket and loosed his tie before walking across the floor between them and into his bedroom; a silent invitation to follow. Naoto did, closing the door gently behind himself. He was nervous, flighty and jumpy in his movements as he removed his coat and belt, whereas Naruse moved slow and deliberate, taking his time to unbutton his white cuffs as though he were doing this calmly and detachedly, but Naoto didn’t miss the trembling of his fingers as he fumbled with the buttons.  
  
“Here,” he said, pushing the lawyer’s hands away to help him with the chore of removing his shirt.  
  
Naruse watched him tensely, gaze drifting from the speedy work of his hands up his chest and landing on his mouth. He reached out tentatively, placing a hand lightly on the detective’s waist and then craning upwards to kiss for the second time that day.  
  
Naoto wasn’t letting things be sweet and tender this time, however. He leant into the lawyer, parting his lips and delving his tongue into his mouth. He led the kiss, for once dominating the other man, for once the one in control. He knew this would be their only night, their only chance. They were both condemned by themselves and each other. In many ways, they were the only people who would understand. They were the only ones who could share and understand each other’s pain… It was almost like they were one long before Naruse pulled him onto the bed, long before they fell together in a tangle of lips and tongues and limbs.  
  
The light was off but they could still see. Naoto felt like he was floating, or drowning. He couldn’t get enough air between kisses, couldn’t get enough of the salty tang of the lawyer’s tanned skin. Naruse was skinnier than he’d realized with the absence of his clothes, his weight bordering on worrisome. Naoto counted ribs with his teeth and tongue, and Naruse arched up against him with a muffled whimper, his hands pulling at the detective’s hair.  
  
They weren’t hurried, per say, but every move they made held an air of unmistakable desperation. Every emotion –anger, fear, and despair— was poured into every action, every touch and every cry. Naoto refused to pick up pace, no matter what the lawyer urged him to get on with, he was determined to give something back with this night. The lawyer had only ever made two requests of him. One, to hurry and catch the criminal –and Naoto still planned to. He would stop Amano Makoto at all costs, and maybe save Manaka Tomo while he was at it. Request number two was what he was working on now. Naruse wanted him to finish what he started and strip him of everything. Naoto had spent years running from the guilt of what he’d done and trying to repent from it, only to take even more. It was absolutely insane and irrational, but if it was what Naruse wanted then he could not and would not refuse him. It was all he could do for the lawyer, and he’d be damned (though he probably already was) if he didn’t carry out his wishes.  
  
“…This is crazy.” Naoto panted. It really was, but not enough to make him stop. The last few months had been nothing but madness, everything had gotten out of control, but he’d left his sense behind in that hallway in the police station. Nothing made sense anymore, and he didn’t care.  
  
Naruse didn’t respond, gasping beneath him as they moved together. His hair stuck to his forehead with sweat, his lips were swollen, and his nails left angry red scratches in the skin of Naoto’s back as he held on tightly, as though he’d be lost if his grip slipped for even a second. Naoto hissed at the sting and lowered his head, nipping an ear gently with his teeth. Naruse Ryou turned his head towards him, pressing sweat slick cheeks together and exhaling shakily as though he’d been holding his breath. “Serizawa…” Was all he managed in a strained whisper. He tightened his legs around the detective’s waist, pulling them flush, chest to chest, and then throwing his head back against the pillow with a choked and wordless cry, eyes closed tightly as he came between them.  
  
Naoto finished not a moment later, biting his lip hard enough to draw blood. Naruse winced when the detective extricated himself, and opened his eyes slowly. When Naoto moved to lay beside him the moonlight fell over the lawyer’s face, shining in the tears pooled in his eyes and streaked down the sides of his cheeks. Naoto turned on his side, propping himself up on his arm and fixing the lawyer with a concerned and questioning expression while he caught his breath.  
  
“…For a second… I thought I’d died.” Naruse whispered softly, and Naoto thought he sounded almost deeply disappointed.  
  
“…I’m sorry, I-… I should probably go…” Naoto made to sit up but the lawyer stopped him quickly.  
  
“Stay, Serizawa. I asked for this, and I’m not regretting it.” He shifted so that he was half sitting up, looking and sounding pained by the movement as he pulled the covers up over his waist. “Are you?” His voice was strained by his discomfort.  
  
“…No.” Naoto answered slowly, sitting cross-legged with the dark, pattern-less sheets pooled in his lap. He lowered his gaze, fiddling with his hands and glancing at the other man from the corner of his eye. “I wanted to do something for you… anyway. Not that this was out of pity or anything, I mean…”  
  
“So you wanted it too.”  
  
Naoto didn’t answer. His cheeks burned at the accusation, the statement, and Naruse chuckled quietly.  
  
“Well, I’m surprised by you, Detective. Here you are, in bed with the man you’re positive has been killing your friends and threatening your family.” He ran a hand through his hair, looking unsettled even as he tried to keep the politely mocking expression on his face. “And you have no regrets…”  
  
“What about you?” Naoto countered, feeling his temper start to flare, but being more overwhelmed by the sinking gloom still settling heavy in his stomach. “Didn’t you just hand your virginity away to the man you know killed your brother?”  
  
Naruse met his glare for a split second, and that earlier vulnerability was there again before he hurriedly turned away, keeping silent.  
  
“You hate me, don’t you? Then why invite me here? Why do all this?” Naoto continued, feeling another lump growing painfully in his throat. “Are you trying to mess with my head or something?”  
  
“You’re wrong.” Naruse bit angrily, whipping his head back around to face him again. “I _don’t_ hate you, Serizawa.”  
  
“Why not? I don’t understand!”  
  
“Then do you hate me?”  
  
“…” Naoto froze. He didn’t have to say it for the answer to obviously be ‘no’. The solemn and knowing expression on the lawyer’s face told him that much. “…Then why can’t we end this? Let’s stop, you don’t have to continue like this, Naruse-san.”  
  
“I told you, I can’t. _I_ can’t stop this anymore. When this ends is up to you.”  
  
“This isn’t a game!”  
  
“I know that!” The lawyer snapped, and his words echoed harshly in the dark room. “It’s just out of my control! I’m not strong, or brave enough to stop on my own.”  
  
“I know you want me to catch you, and I’m _trying_ , but maybe I can’t do it! Where am I going to get the evidence? We can’t pin you and you know it, so I don’t know what you _want_ from me!”  
  
Naruse Ryou ran his hands over his face slowly, sighing and sniffing quietly, while Naoto slammed his fist against the mattress to calm himself down. “… I have only one more request for you, Serizawa. Until then, please keep trying to catch me.”  
  
“What is it?” Naoto demanded, desperate for an end he just couldn’t foresee. “Tell me, I’ll do anything. Whatever it takes!”  
  
Naruse lifted his head to look at him, expression unreadable. “…For now, just remember you said that.” Carefully he turned onto his side, pulling the covers up to his neck and facing away from the detective. There was such an air of finality to the action that Naoto couldn’t bring himself to press for what the lawyer wanted him to do.  
  
He sat for almost half an hour, watching the tense muscles in Naruse Ryou’s back slacken and listening to his breathing even out and deepen. Leaving seemed wrong, so he lay stiffly back against the cool sheets, leaving enough room for probably another person to fit between them. It was a long time before his exhaustion finally claimed him. When he woke in the morning he was alone in the apartment. Naruse had, he supposed, gone to work. There was no note, but the spare key Naoto had left on the coffee table was also gone; a wordless indication that the previous night –as Naoto had suspected- would not be repeated.  
  
It was two weeks before he heard Naruse’s request, and those weeks were eventful. Kasai had been arrested for Souda’s murder and then proven innocent. His brother had been found to be the real murderer only to then be found dead, through suicide. As if that grief wasn’t enough to throw Naoto’s common sense out of the window, his father finally acknowledged him as his son again, only to die shortly afterwards. It was too much to handle, and as he crouched on the floor beside his father’s still body, he knew who to blame.  
  
He’d always considered it a cycle. He’d sinned, and his past was coming back to punish him. Manaka Tomo had lost his brother and then his mother shortly afterwards. The current situation was too perfectly compatible with history to be a coincidence. Amano Makoto was behind it, and Serizawa Naoto had had enough. He had nothing left to lose but himself.  
  
Without being rational, he took a gun from the station, and Naruse agreed to meet him.  
  
“This is quite an appropriate place for the conclusion.”  
  
Naruse had taken his time to approach. Naoto turned slowly, his anger and frustration and the tattered remains of his patience kept hidden beneath a layer of forced calm. Naruse had waited until they were facing to speak, but Naoto was once again in no mood for pleasant conversation.  
  
“So.” He said bluntly, keeping his emotions in careful check. “The last target… is me?”  
  
Naruse just stared at him, head cocked slightly to the side, expression caught somewhere between a pained grimace and a bitter smile. There was something off about him, and Naoto wondered if he already understood why the detective had called him there.  
  
Serizawa pushed his jacket aside, reaching back to pull the loaded handgun from his belt and aiming it steadily, facial expression dark, serious, and stern. Naruse did not look surprised. If anything, his expression seemed to relax, the creases evening out as though the weapon reassured him of something.  
  
Naoto spoke the words he’d plagued himself with for so many months. Explaining to his adversary that this had gone on too long, that too many people had died because of his past mistake, and he intended to end it, once and for all. Through his speech, Naruse watched him silently and motionlessly. He betrayed no signs of fear, expression merely sad.  
  
“This is a revenge that started because of me.” Naoto explained. His face felt like stone, aching as he forced the muscles to move and form words that hurt him as much as the actions he was planning to take. “That’s why…” And he wondered for a brief second, who he was reasoning this with. “I have no choice but to stop this with my own hands.”  
  
There was no response from the lawyer, and so Naoto gripped the gun with both hands to steady it. He couldn’t wait for an objection if there wasn’t one forthcoming. He had to do this.  
  
Glancing up from his hands as he fought to keep them from twitching with his nerves, he was perplexed, and almost shocked and horrified to see the corners of the lawyers lips turn into a soft smile. Naoto’s eyes widened, confusion evident as the lawyer watched him calmly and expectantly. His finger itched to press the trigger, to get it over with, and he blamed his confusion over Naruse’s reaction and expression for being the reason he couldn’t bring himself to fire. His hands were shaking terribly, his indecision clear on his face, and Naruse’s smile slipped. The calm, accepting expression in the lawyer’s eyes disappeared, replaced with worry and fear.  
  
“… Why are you hesitating?” He spoke softly, voice a little rough. “… Don’t you hate me now?”  
  
Naoto grit his teeth, eyes pleading for an explanation even as his hands still trembled, threatening to pull the trigger at any moment. Naruse’s composure was beginning to fall apart, piece by piece, and he seemed to be scrambling to hold everything together as he listed the things he’d taken from Naoto: all his friends, his own brother, his only father… Naoto already knew these things, they were what had motivated him to come, but what bothered him now was how clear it was that the lawyer was trying to anger him, to create the necessary amount of _hate_ it would take to squeeze his index finger down and end things. “The law will never bring me to justice.” Naruse’s voice shook with his desperation, voice rising as he tried to convince the detective to shoot. “Now is your only chance for revenge! Hurry up and _kill_ me!”  
  
The demand was what did it.  
  
Instantly, Naoto realized that _this_ was the last request. Shock and horror and regret washed over him all at once. Naruse’s eyes were wide, watching the detective make the decision he didn’t want. Naoto, despite knowing what an irrational thing it was to do, lowered the gun.  
  
If this was Naruse’s last request, then it turned out that Naoto could do nothing for him after all.  
  
“Was this your plan?... You wanted me to kill you?” To finally atone for his sins? He would do so in other ways, gladly, but he couldn’t bring himself to kill the person he’d been hurting for so long. He wouldn’t, even if it hurt the other man to keep living, Naoto didn’t have the strength or courage to kill him.  
  
Naruse was watching him in disbelief, like he couldn’t comprehend his decision. “ You… still don’t understand? In this life,” he paused, gathering his emotions, holding them carefully so that they wouldn’t escape. “I had nothing left to lose.” Naoto felt frozen, accused of a crime he knew he was guilty of. “… With this, everything will end. Finally, I can return to myself.” he began walking closer, each scuffing footstep slowly closing the space between them. “Now, please shoot me…” Their gazes were locked, and Naoto couldn’t move no matter how much he wished he could run, to keep the lawyer from reaching him with his impossible requests. “This is your obligation, for running away from the truth.”  
  
Naoto shook his head. “Stop…” He managed weakly. The way Naruse was looking at him seemed to spell silent words with his eyes alone.  
  
“You have to finish this.” _Take everything away…_  
  
“Please, stop…”  
  
Naruse’s hands closed around his, abruptly pressing the barrel of the revolver into his stomach. “Shoot me!” He demanded, frustrated. “That’s your job!” _I can’t do it myself…_ “Kill me!” _Please, leave me with nothing…  
_  
Naoto dropped the gun and shook his head slowly. They were both crying, and Naruse seemed stunned, like the world he’d built for himself was crumbling, and he had truly nothing to hold onto.  
  
“I can’t…” Naoto choked out. “The one who made you suffer this much… is me. I—“ He acknowledged that now both of them had admitted they couldn’t bring an end to the cycle. “… I can’t kill you.”  
  
He let down his guard, Naruse reached for the gun, and in the struggle that followed Serizawa Naoto could only think that nobody else would ever understand. They were the only two who could relate to each other, could know each other’s pain.  
  
He understood that once Naruse had started he couldn’t see a way out. How could he give up, when he told himself doing so would mean accepting his brother’s death? He’d worked so long for his great plan for revenge, how could he stand up for his brother half-heartedly? And then once he’d started, once he’d put the plan into action, there really wasn’t any going back. He couldn’t stop, if he stopped of his own will he would hate himself for failing his brother, but Naoto had seen the hate. The hate that filled the lawyer, that filled Manaka Tomo, was not for his brother’s killer. He understood it was an accident; that Serizawa Naoto had really suffered more than enough. What he hated was himself, for being unable to stop, for starting in the first place, for becoming the devil he had become for a cause that didn’t need it.  
  
Naruse wanted this to end just as bad as he did, but Naoto couldn’t let the only person who really saw who he was and _why_ be killed. It was sad to think that nobody else would ever be able to fix the damage they each carried, and now even they seemed unable to find a solution for themselves.  
  
Were there really no happy endings? Or were they too blinded by their self-condemnation to see the way out? Perhaps that had always been the case, and they’d missed their chance by focusing on meaningless things, driving themselves deeper into self-torment, forcing themselves to live through guilt and irrational acts.  
  
Even before the gunshot rang through the air, before he froze, leaning on Naruse’s petrified shoulder as pain ripped through his stomach, and before they met each other’s eyes, understanding each other’s regret, instantly, once again… Even before all of that, he thought the two of them had never been more broken.  
  
  
  
\- - -  
  
 _The_ _end._

 


End file.
